From Burnout to Boss B*tch
Oh my gosh, swearing in a title is so bold, but dammit all those B’s do look powerful. And that’s why I want to share this story in the first place. POWER!
and a good night’s rest to all of you hard workers out there. Can I get an Amen!
For real though, what follows is the dark stuff that people usually don’t share until they’re long out of the woods, but this issue is so close to us all- even if you can’t see it yet.
The facts are hazy, for reasons that will become clear later but I can honestly say that what follows is the truth to the best of my recollection…
Superwoman in Your Face (Winter 2019)
In my work as a writer, I was tapping into the m#ther fucking salt of the earth. My inner voice was as bright as a bell ringing in the fog, but damn I was playing a dangerous game. All the signs were there, but I was to busy hustling to see what was ahead.
But like I always say, Life teaches us the same lessons again and again until we learn them.
Maybe some of you saw my interview shows on Instagram. I was getting all these inspirational nuggets from women living outside the bounds of social norms from all over the world. Finally, I was having the conversations I wanted to have, but there was a lurking problem. Maybe those of you watching saw the cracks in my foundation even though I didn’t
I was exploring the heart of what I wanted to share in my life, creating the type of content I wanted to see…diversity, community, support.
For this, I ignored the obvious
Have you ever been so passionate about your work that the rest of your life begins to fall apart?
Too Much, Too Much, Too Much
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I was teaching myself how to design on Canva (which is amazing, btw), edit videos, read social media statistics, answer all messages from you guys, cause I love it …plus I was applying for jobs on Upwork and redesigning my blog…my desire to succeed was manic.
Stuff Got Bad
Chocolate bars for breakfast and coffee spiked with Baily’s is cute on a random weekend, but not a gosh darn road to salvation on any given Wednesday.
My son wasn’t sleeping through the night, so neither was I.
Envy wound its way through my thoughts looking for something to grab on to and there was plenty for it to find. People I had inspired to tell their own stories and open their own Instagram accounts were surpassing me. Their follower accounts were double and triple mine and I couldn’t get a new follower to save my life. I WOULD LOVE TO SAY I’M NOT A JEALOUS mamacita, but you know I’m not a fan of lying so…and, blah.
I was trying to conduct my entire life outside of motherhood in a two-hour nap and a few hours after bedtime a night. Can you imagine what type of vicious dragon I became when my little
overlord son didn’t want to take a nap?
To throw some gasoline on the fire, I was on an @garyvee binge. For several hours a day, I was listening to his hustle hard content, which had me thoroughly convinced that the only thing between me and my success was how much I could give. My mind is screaming
I AM NOT WEAK m*therfucker!
But to who, though? The only person who needed to hear it was me.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to catch a free minute to empty the dishwasher. It’s certainly not Gary’s fault, but I gave myself no room for excuses.
One ugly scene that plays as the most illustrative of that time is me sitting on the toilet editing videos on my phone hiding from my husband because I didn’t have enough energy to give him a smile, let alone a mother f#cking back rub.
Had I only know then, I would have watched for these signs and prevented the inevitable crash.
Then my husband said to me words I never wanted to hear… You need to quit Instagram… this is what I did next.
How dare he! He was the one that encouraged me to do it in the first place AND NOW when I am committed to the bottom of my mother’s f#cking eyelashes, you want me to STOP!
For a few days I fumed, but anyone who knows me well can testify that I am always open to suggestion, so a few days later. I found myself looking forward to stopping and a few days after that, I disappeared altogether. From there I went down a rabbit hole of discovery, but first…
As if the universe, my son, and husband all colluded against me Aron got sick. Not scary sick just needing to sleep on his mama’s chest all day sick and together we stayed on the couch and got better.
After a several-week bender of baby snuggles, Netflix, red wine and Indian food, I got to work on building a sustainable life starting here.
This is my road to boss b*tch, I’m sure as hell not there yet, but I think I’ve earned the right to share the journey. Subscribe here so you don’t miss what comes next.